exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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