I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
