i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
