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It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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