he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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