Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
