i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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