Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
