WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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