Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
