i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
