Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
