Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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