***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
