she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
