I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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