He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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