It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
