so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
People with herpes should wear stickers.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
no you cant smoke seaweed
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
