Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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