Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
