apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
