i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
