We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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