As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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