Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
