This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
