i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
