He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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