I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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