Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
