I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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