Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
