Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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