I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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