There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
