why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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