But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
