It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
