he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
