So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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