New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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