You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You've changed since you got that strap on
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
