THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
