you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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