Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
