I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
