"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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