all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
