So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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