someone threw a dead crab at me
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
