ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
