I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
