Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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